So this blog post was written in July of 2010 after we received our very first diagnosis related to possible infertility. It’s crazy to look back now and remember the despair and hopelessness we both first felt when we received the news. It’s crazy because we can see God’s sovereign hand guiding us all along to the story that we are currently living with the baby that is currently growing in my womb. Amazing. Here it is, all the way from the archives:
Because I am RH negative and had some bleeding at the beginning of my pregnancy, I had to get a RhoGam shot at 6 weeks. The nurse warned me that my immune system would be pretty much offline. But I didn’t realize just how off the grid my immune system was going to go. Like, we’re talking, Fiji. I think my immune system is on vacation in Fiji. I know it’s already weaker in pregnancy, but because of this shot, I literally think my bad-germ-fighting-boys have either bought the farm or bought a one way ticket to the South Pacific.
Man. So here’s how it went down. I walked into my new doctor’s office on Monday, October 8th. I was just swinging by to get the paperwork I had to fill out before my appointment on the 11th. My doctor is also a family doctor, so there were other people in the waiting room. Some of them may have been sick. Someone, somewhere in that building must have been sick. Because I can tell you that by the time I walked into the building and got to the receptionist my throat already had a tickle. By the time I was done talking to the receptionist, my throat was already sore. And by the time I got home, I was already sick. And it just went downhill from there.
That night I couldn’t swallow. The next day I couldn’t breathe. The following day I was coughing more violently than I ever have. What I was trying to do was send an S.O.S. to Fiji that was loud and clear enough for my boys to hear and come back. All attempts were futile.
It was probably the sickest I’ve ever been. At some points I couldn’t breathe at all and almost started having a panic attack because I couldn’t get a deep breath. At other points, I would just start to cry because the coughing hurt so bad. That’s when I wasn’t vomiting from the stuff I was actually coughing UP. Gross. I’m sorry. But true.
Emotionally, I was scared that I was going to harm the baby. I couldn’t not cough, but I wanted so badly to stop. It was hurting my stomach and I was terrified that I was hurting the baby. I also was really hesitant to take any over the counter meds, even the ones my doctor recommended, for fear that something would harm the baby. I held out for several days drinking honey and lemon tea, tons of water, using the neti pot, doing several salt water gargles a day, eating soup and citrus fruit. But the breathing was getting worse and so was the cough. So I finally gave in and tried a few over the counter remedies that my doctor promised were safe. And lo and behold, I started to feel better.
YES! I have to be wise about what I put in my body. YES! I can research {to a degree}. YES! I should check with my doctor when I’m unsure. YES! I have been chosen to be a steward of the life of this baby. But ultimately, God holds the life of this child in HIS HANDS. I do not. When I try to take that burden on myself, this is what happens {and is actually what happened}:
Before I took the first dose of the doctor recommended over the counter medication, I looked at Jason and said, “Can we pray?” And then the dam broke and I started bawling and said, “Please don’t let our baby die.”
Jason called it. “Kate. That’s too much pressure. God is sovereign. We can trust Him.”
Phew.
;
Tomorrow I’d like you to come back so I can tell you why I cried during the opening of SNL two weekends ago.
Jacob and Joseph are about to be reunited. After years of believing that his son was dead, Jacob is about to be face to face with a son that he had grieved and mourned and “lost.” As Jacob sets out on his journey to be reunited to his son Joseph, what do you think he does?
“So Israel {Jacob} took his journey with all that he had and came to Beersheba, and offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac.” (Genesis 46:1) And what do you think God does?
“And God spoke to Israel in visions of the night and said, ‘Jacob, Jacob.’ And he said, ‘Here am I.’ Then he said, ‘I am God, the God of your father. Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for there I will make you into a great nation. I myself will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also bring you up again, and Joseph’s hand shall close your eyes.’” (Genesis 46:2-4) And Jacob sets out.
“Then Joseph prepared his chariot and went up to meet Israel his father in Goshen. He presented himself to him and fell on his neck and wept on his neck a good while. Israel said to Joseph, ‘Now let me die, since I have seen your face and know that you are still alive.’” (Genesis 46:29-30)
Reunited. I get emotional when I close my eyes and picture this scene. Joseph literally falls on his father’s neck and weeps. Jacob has such peace that he is now ready to die. It’s one of those sweet, rear view moments where you get to see God’s perfect plan. Today at church my pastor was talking about most of life being in faith. We drive and continue moving forward looking through the windshield in faith. We don’t always get it. It doesn’t always make sense. And then, sometimes, there are moments where we get to look in the rearview and it comes together and makes sense and we see God’s perfect sovereignty.
For Joseph and Jacob, this was a rearview moment. A sweet reunion and a sweet reminder. Reunited with one another. Reminded of God’s promises to the family line. What a tremendous moment of joy.
1. What enables you to continue “driving” forward looking through your “windshield of faith?”
2. Why do you think life is 90% windshield, 10% rearview?
3. What does God want to teach you by not allowing you to be all-knowing about the future?
4. Where do you need to surrender the future to Him?
5. Where do you need to be reminded of rear-view moments to reinforce the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty?
Today* we’re in Genesis 45. Joseph reveal his identity to his brothers and tells them to not feel guilty because it was God’s plan to have Joseph come to Egypt. Here’s my journal entry:
“I want the wisdom and discernment that you gave to Joseph. This was an imperfect, sinful man for sure. But he had also been severely wronged by his brother’s, Potiphar’s wife, the cupbearer, etc. And he had suffered tremendous injustice. Yet, at the end he is still in close relationship with you and has the discernment to identify your will and your hand on his circumstances for good—even though it played out in a personally costly way. Not only that, but you have removed any trace of bitterness and have used him as an agent of grace and mercy to offer forgiveness to those who have sinned against him.
As a result, in the bigger picture, Joseph is being used to preserve the family line of Abraham and the promises of God. Redemption for all people will come through Jesus and through this family line. I am amazed by your sovereignty because it absolutely makes more sense logically [human logic, here] that Joseph would have rebelled, or quit, or cursed you. But the fact that you can use all circumstances for good and keep this man’s heart turned to you again and again despite ridiculous situations just reveals your absolute power and might. You absolutely give us free will, but you also equip us with power to choose you againt and again and it becomes more and more natural and easy to walk in obedience and worship. Joseph was a man that walked in obedience and worship. I want to be a woman that walks in obedience and worship.
So please continue to grow me and enable me the wisdom and discernment to see how you are and can be working all circumstances for good and to be obedient and worshipful even when I can’t see it and even when it doesn’t make sense. Thank you.”
1. How would you define godly discernment and wisdom?
2. What’s an example of a time where you lacked discernment and wisdom in a situation?
3. What’s an example of a time where God filled you with wisdom? What was different about your response?
4. What’s the difference between the wisdom and discernment we are talking about and the kind Paul references in 1 Corinthians 1:19?
*Reminder: Links to other posts in the Genesis series can be found above on the “Study” tab or by clicking here.
God has been doing something in Jason and I these last two weeks as a result of a blog I found (that led to many other blogs that I found, all linked down to the right under “EA Blogs”). At the end of last week, I had only just mentioned the idea to Jason and we literally had not gotten a chance to talk about it until this past Saturday night.
Here’s where we were after talking on Saturday night: In prayer. We were in prayer that if we find out from the surgery (one month from today) that there is nothing they can do to unblock my tubes, then God will confirm this path for us.
Here’s where we are tonight, four days later (I know, crazy): Almost 100% sure that we are prepared to step forward on this path, regardless of the results of my surgery. We feel like it’s about faith. Stepping out and pursuing this because it’s what God’s calling us to. Because it’s His plan, not ours. Right now, we feel like we’re being told to prepare for rain. So we’re “plowing the fields” and getting ready for “rain.” And we are still in prayer.
Let me back up and explain.
Here’s an overview of what embryo adoption is (as far as we currently understand it):
When couples choose to do IVF they have multiple eggs that are harvested and fertilized. Sometimes, multiples are fertlized, creating embryos, but the couple will only have 2-3 implanted. The rest of the embryos are frozen and stored for future use should the couple choose to do an embryo transfer later on if the first one was not successful, or if they want more children.
But, when, and if, the birth parents no longer want or need the embryos, they have 3 choices:
1. Donate them to science
2. Discard them
3. Donate them to another couple (embryo adoption)
There are 400,000 embryos right now that will not be used in America. They are sitting on shelves. Only about 9,000 will actually be adopted.
Once they are adopted, a transfer is done and the new parents get to experience everything associated with being real parents, except actually conceiving the child. The mother carries the baby to term, delivers, and then the parents are the legal parents of that child. The moment the actual birthparents sign the paperwork of donation, they turn all legal rights and responsibilities for that child over to the adoptive parents. It is up to the donor and adoptive parents to decide whether they want the adoption to be closed or open.
It’s bizarre, we know.
There are little precious lives frozen on shelves. 400,000 of them. Babies that need mommys and that need daddys who will give them a shot at life. We had never even HEARD of this before finding these blogs.
What if we are supposed to be that mommy and that daddy? What if our child is frozen RIGHT NOW? What if we get to be the ones to give that precious baby a chance to live? We are excited out of our minds. God is confirming this and opening doors left and right.
Here’s how: Neither one of us had peace about IVF as we did the research. Neither one of us had peace about adoption as we did the research. Ever since the possibility of embryo adoption has crossed our paths almost 2 weeks ago, we are both consumed with excitement and peace.
And here’s the real kicker that is giving me peace and confirmation:
Typically when I want something, I am super impatient and I find ways to make whatever it is that I want HAPPEN NOW. I am rash, I am impatient, and I am willing to work really hard to bring it into fruition. Jason, my wonderful and amazing husband, is the opposite. He is calm. He is rational. He does the research. He shows his excitement in much more subtle ways. He is the cool-headed and rational one in our home.
Right now, we each are responding in the exact opposite manner of normal. I am totally cool-headed and rational, calm and patient. I feel such peace about this that I feel like there is NO RUSH and that I know it is all going to happen. For the first time in my LIFE there is something that I want with my whole heart and I’m not doing ANYTHING about it but trusting God. It is SUCH a weird feeling to me I cannot tell you. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. There are no words for how strange it is to me. Laid back. Not stressed. Not trying to make it happen. If that isn’t God, I don’t know WHAT is.
On the other hand, Jason is the one that’s like fired up and ready to go. He totally trusts God and knows that His plan and timing are perfect, but I literally heard my husband say today, “I don’t want to wait, I just want it to happen now.” Okay, that’s like EARTH-SHATTERING in our world. That just doesn’t happen!!! He came home and had a list of baby names. He took me out to Babies R Us and Target to look at cribs. Ummmm, if that isn’t God, I don’t know WHAT is.
Additionally, the following things have happened in the last 2 days:
1. I called my doctor’s office and found out that they do embryo transfers (transfers only, not donor/adoption matches).
2. They referred me to a few different agencies (all of which I had heard of but one).
3. The ones that I had heard of were in TN and CA. The one that I hadn’t heard of is 1 1/2 hours from my house. Are you kidding?
Here is the link.
4. I left work at 5 and thought I would try and give the phone number a call. I didn’t expect anyone to answer.
5. The director of the program, Maria Lancaster, answered. We talked for 15 minutes. She was one of the first couples in the US to do embryo adoption 6 years ago. She has passion for embryo adoption and started this ministry last year through her CHURCH.
6. She invited Jason and I to a service on Sunday where her church is celebrating the first birth through their program. Many other EA couples will be there and we will get a chance to meet them all. THIS SUNDAY. Her words to me were, “This is your divine appointment.”
Here is Maria’s story on King 5.
7. I emailed my doctor to see if, based on my infertility diagnosis, he thinks I would be a good candidate for EA. He wrote back within a few hours and said,
Dear Kate,
You are absolutely a candidate for a healthy embryo transfer. I am happy to help in any way with respect to embryo adoption.
What? I mean, WHAT? Who am I, Lord, and what is my family? Seriously? We can’t even pretend to know what He has in store for us, but we have such peace and joy in our hearts right now…to the point that we are considering applying for the program even before my surgery. And to the point where we are considering moving ahead with EA even if we do find out that we can conceive naturally down the road. We just feel like there is a baby out there that is supposed to be ours…if that makes sense to anyone.
And, to find the humor in it all…
In talking to my parents tonight, I said something along the lines of, “We feel so sure that this is what God is calling us to that we would put natural conception on the back burner until we first tried to do embryo adoption.”
At which point, Frank (yeah, you know him) says, “Well, that’s sort of ironic isn’t it? You’re unfreezing one and putting the other one in the oven? They’ll be like fire and ice!”
Leave it to Frankie.
Anyhow, we talked tonight about whether to blog about this and were struggling with it for a second because it’s intensely personal and intensely OUT OF OUR HANDS. We considered “going dark” like Jack Bauer for a few weeks/months until we figure out what God is calling us to and whether or not this is the path for us. We considered holding off until we actually did the transfer and were safely into our pregnancy to announce anything (you know, they say it’s better to wait before you tell people incase anything goes wrong).
But our mission for this blog is for all of you (and us) to be reminded of God’s goodness through the good AND the bad. If that means blogging about failed attempts at embryo adoption, or miscarriages, or health complications, or about the birth of a healthy child, we want you to be along for the ride with us. It’s about Him, not us. It’s about how He is sovereign and knows the plans, and not us. And it’s about how He alone is God and how He alone has the right to, as Leah reminded me tonight, “give and take away.”
So, we’re not 100% yet. But we’ll let you know when and if we are. And then we’ll take you on the ride with us if you want to come with.
All we know is that God is good, that He is faithful, and that He is at work.
So we praise Him.
