Perfect timing.
It’s Sunday. We’re on our way to church. Excited to go worship Jesus. Happy to be together. The sun is shining. The bees are buzzing. The birds are chirping. There’s a cool breeze flowing in my hair through the open window. Picture perfect. With my best friend.
So let’s have a fight.
That’s usually how it goes, right? You intentionally pick a fight to ruin a spectacular moment? Wrong. Although, I must confess it has been done before by this sassy lass. But that wasn’t the case yesterday. Either Jason was being really kind and giving me content for my first blog post in my “Wicked Wife” series, or God just has a great sense of humor. Or I’m a sinner. Definitely option C and a little of Option B.
It’s that perfect timing that fights always never have. Get that? Always never. Our fight yesterday wasn’t a knock-down-drag-out-blow-up sort of deal, but it was super unpleasant and left us with a lingering crummy feeling as we headed into church. The topic isn’t important, but I will give you the general details.
Jason was trying to figure something out. He needed me to answer a question to help him figure out what he was trying to figure out. The question he asked me {in my perfect opinion} was not actually the question he needed to ask to get the information he needed {cause I knew what information he needed because I am a mind reader}. So I told him I didn’t know. Then I told him what he really needed to know was XYZ so that he could get the answer that he was most certainly looking for. At which point he got frustrated with me for not just answering his question so he could figure it out his way. At which point I got frustrated with him for not just taking my word for it and doing it the better way I suggested. At which point he got frustrated with me for not hearing why he was frustrated with me. At which point I got even more frustrated with him for not letting me help him in the error of his ways. At which point we pull into the church parking lot. Perfect.
It gets better.
I get out of the car because we are just about on time and I don’t want to be late. He stays in the car {saying a quick prayer for divine intervention with his wicked wife}, and I assume he’s just sitting there to make me stand outside like a fool. So, logically, I open the door and let him know {in a sugary sweet tone} that we’re going to be late {because clearly he doesn’t have any idea what time it is} and realize he’s actually praying {why didn’t I think of that}? So my main squeeze gets out of the car and we start walking into church. At this point I’ve got a real pride balloon hanging over my head because I know that I’m right and am super excited to go into church this morning because I know Mark is preaching on reconciliation and I’m looking forward to seeing my husband experience some Holy Spirit conviction. And just as I’m thinking that,
I trip on the stairs and almost break my face.
So then, logically, I start to cry. I’m embarrassed. Frustrated. And this balloon is hanging pretty heavy over my head. Jason reaches out to grab my arm and prevent me from totally wiping out. I snap my arm out of his hand. He says, “Please, let’s go back to the car and talk this out before we go into church.” “No,” I say. Because we have to be on time. Crying even more. But I wipe those dumb tears and slap the plastic smile on my face, go inside and sit down. Mumble through some worship. Crack out the notebook to take some notes. Listen to the sermon. And, about 40 minutes in {dang, I’m prideful}, God softens my heart and I realize I’m a twit, and I reach over and tuck my arm in his arm. We have a secret thing that we do to say I love you, so I do it while my arm is tucked in his. He does it back. We sit and listen to the rest of the reconciliation sermon {oh the irony, ha!} and then worship begins. Our pastor challenges us to reconcile with anyone in the room that we need to reconcile with before taking communion, so we just sit there and talk.
And I hear my husband’s heart. He says that sometimes he feels like I always think I’m right. That I always have the best answer. That I don’t think he is capable of doing certain things on his own. He says it makes him feel like he has to prove himself to me. Like I don’t believe in him. Like he’s not competent.
I cry.
I tell him that sometimes I’m scared that in submitting to him {Eph 5:22-24; Col 3:18}, I’ll no longer have a say. That he’ll always be right and that I won’t matter or my opinions won’t matter. This is a lie. This isn’t a picture of the biblical submission Paul writes about. What it is is my own view, my own spin, my own distortion of the beautiful and loving submission of a wife. The hierarchy of the family as God designed it with the wife as an equal partner with a different role. He leads, I help. And we are equal. I also tell him that I’m scared because it’s hard. Because I want to lead. My flesh SCREAMS for control. My flesh wants to make the decisions my way {which is always the best way}. And I’m sitting there telling him this and I’m telling him that I’m scared to submit, and I’m telling him I know I can’t submit, and I’m telling him how wicked I know I am and…wait for it…I’m pointed to the cross.
And I cry some more.
Because I’m so thankful that I have a Savior {Galatians 4:4-5}. I’m so thankful that He promises to put my pride and selfishness and controlling nature to death {Colossians 3:5a}. That He promises to enable me to walk in newness of life {Romans 6:4-14}. To hear what my husband says, to let him lead and be a man, to trust him, and to ultimately trust and submit to God {James 4:7}. My submission issues with my husband are ultimately because I have submission issues with Christ. If I submit to Christ, then I will be able to submit to Jason. Regardless of Jason’s ability to lead. Because he’s a sinner too {Romans 3:10-12}. And God’s working on him too {Philippians 1:6}. And he doesn’t do everything perfectly. But I trust Jesus in Jason. And I ask for grace to be able to obey God in Scripture {Luke 11:28}. And I’m thankful for it because it illuminates the darkness of my heart {Jer 17:9}. And I repent {Acts 3:19}.
And he says, “Can I pray for us?”
And he prays for us. Everyone else is worshipping. Taking communion. Doing their thing with Jesus. And we’re doing our thing with Jesus. Because of Jesus, we’re reconciling. Because of Jesus, we’re holding hands. Because of Jesus, our marriage is growing and getting better. Not falling apart and growing apart. We’ve been there too because we didn’t have Jesus. But this time this was a little fight. A dumb fight. And it seems like they come fewer and further in between. And it seems like we are repenting better and more quickly, by God’s grace. But, you know what? It was a helpful fight. Because once again, it revealed sin that pointed us to Jesus. And once again, by grace through faith in Jesus we are able to repent and be reconciled to God and to each other. It’s a daily battle. And so…
We walk out of church reconciled.
And I don’t even trip on the way to the car.
So there you have it. The perfect timing of “The on the Way to Church Fight.” Perfect timing because of the sermon topic {listen here if you want}. Perfect timing because of this blog series {just another humble reminder that just because He’s taught us and we’ve grown, we haven’t arrived}. Perfect timing because God’s timing is always perfect.
So here we go. Looking forward to sharing more crazy stories of God’s grace in our marriage and all of the things that I wish this couple would have known before we, you know, tied the knot, cut the cake, took the leap, got hitched, and dropped anchor. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when I share with you what I wish I would have known about Jesus before getting married.
**This is the second post in the “Wicked Wife” series.**
Great post Kate. I can totally relate to the original conversation, I also have believed that I know what my husband needs better than he does!!
I also really like the balloon floating around!!
Hey Jen!!! I am so glad you like the balloon. Sometimes I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. It seems to get in the way of what I’m trying to read, lol!
Also glad that you can relate. We’re busted and selfish and sinners and I’m so thankful that God has been patient with me and has poured out His grace on me so that I can return that same grace to Jason and vice-versa. I love that you stay in touch through the blog. Thanks for being a faithful visitor!
Been married to the love of my life for 37 years, Kate. STILL having the spats on the way to church. But, oh the joy that comes in the reconciliation!
Holy cow! You guys have a TON more years under your belt and that makes me worship Jesus for His goodness to you and your spouses and encourages Jason and I to keep seeking Him and trusting Him and loving Him and building our marriage off of Him as our foundation. We are so encouraged by couples that have gone before us and that are willing to say that they’re still learning too! Such joy with reconciliation—it truly is a miracle that God can change and humble my stubborn heart!
thanks Kate for sharing your struggles. I have learned so much about what kind of wife, God wants me to be. Been married for 25 years and learn so much from people who are willing to share. God Bless you and Jason.
Thanks, Kathy! I’m so glad you stopped by. 25 years, wow! God’s grace is amazing. I’ve learned so much from people too that have been willing to say—we’re not perfect—we’re sinners—and our marriage has been sanctifying and super challenging but Jesus is bigger and can heal and restore and redeem anything!
Reblogged this on Peacefulwife's Blog and commented:
This is one of the most amazing real life posts on submission and respect – so beautifully written – so authentically transparent. You’ve GOT to read this one!
Wow! Thanks so much – I really needed to read this this morning.
You’re welcome. I’m so glad that you were encouraged! Thanks for stopping by, Angela.
Great post Kate and boy can I relate to the attitudes! Ray & I have been married 27 years and I identify with you God’s grace. Thanks for sharing.
That’s so cool! God’s grace in marriage over time just demonstrates His unbelievable goodness. When I look back on our marriage and where we’ve come from, I KNOW JESUS IS REAL! This sort of transformation can only happen by the power of the Holy Spirit and I am so grateful. Thanks for visiting my blog and posting!
Kate: Your post brings me to tears. God blessed you in softening your heart and helping/allowing you to see through the fight to your own heart and Jason’s heart, and to move toward him (and Him) in the aftermath. I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my wife’s divorce from me after 29+ years of marriage. A major reason for the divorce, if not in fact the underlying reason that then fed and complicated all other reasons, was that she was rarely able to see what was really going on in our respective hearts and was never able to trust Jesus in me, as you’re learning to trust Jesus in Jason. To my discredit, though there were many occasions I might have been doing the equivalent of Jason praying in the car, I rarely did the equivalent of Jason leading you in prayer in the church service. So I was a sinner too, in that way and in many other ways. I just wish we both had another chance to have God work in our marriage as He is working in yours. Keep working. Keep letting Him work. God bless you.
David, I will pray for your marriage. I’m so sorry for all that you and your wife have been through but thankful that you are continuing to pursue Jesus and to be honest and repentant about your own sin. I trust that He will continue to walk with you and redeem and heal what needs to be redeemed and healed. I will pray for your wife as well.
Kate: Thank you. She’s engaged now, but there’s no date set yet, so I continue to pray for a miracle. The short and frequent version of my prayer is, “God bless her. And heal me.” I work at not displaying the same unbelief that I think eroded her commitment to the marriage — God is sovereign, and He is working even this for my best and His glory, whether reconciliation happens or not.
Love your humility that shines out in your words. Your husband sound like a wonderful man. God always chooses the good one for us wicked wives!
Thank you for sharing. Bessings to you both.
Thanks for commenting and for your encouraging words. I know that Jason would say he’s a sinner too and that God has redeemed his heart and his actions. Without Jesus we would literally be two unrepentant sinners “going through the motions” trying to “make it work.” The cool thing, though, is that God finally showed me that focusing on my husband’s sin was a slick trick from the enemy to keep me blind to my own sin. It caused bitterness and resentment in my heart and it frustrated and discouraged my husband. As soon as we both turned to Jesus for our individual sin and began repenting and asking the Holy Spirit to change our hearts, we both began to see personal and corporate transformation in our marriage. A literal miracle!
Absolutely! It is a miracle in every marriage when humility supersedes self-righteousness. The Lord is powerful and faithful to completely change us if we let Him. There can’t be growth in ourselves if we are focused on the sins of others and avoid our own. I think you would like my post
http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/when-will-w-feel-good-enough-already/
It relates to a very personal message the Lord gave me through my Dad about stopping avoiding facing my sins and becoming humble and forgiven. I hope you enjoy it. Blessings to you!
“I’m scared that in submitting to him, I’ll no longer have a say and that I won’t matter or my opinions won’t matter.”
My struggle exactly!!! I married at 38 years of age a year ago…confidence and independence were my strengths! Now I have to lay them aside…definitely a daily committment!!
Thank you!
I am SUPER encouraged by some of these comments from those of you that have been married for decades. Thank you for being transparent, Christine, and willing to say that you’re STILL working on submitting to Jesus and your husband. That is actually SUPER encouraging…more so than someone who has gone before us and looks back from a place of pride or perfection as if they’ve figured it all out. I know by God’s grace it may get better and easier, but it will never be perfect this side of heaven. Thanks for sharing!
This is a wonderful post, Kate, that chronicles the simplicity and yet the emotional toll these little fights can take on us. Sounds just like me—I’m never wrong. Actually, whenever my boyfriend IS right, he always make a point of saying “well, that was number 3 in our relationship (out of hundreds)” Ugh. Clearly I have the problem. I loved where you said in your article that, “My submission issues with my husband are ultimately because I have submission issues with Christ.” That sums it all up on one sentence. Trying to control everything, to be right, is a lack of faith in God’s plan, your husband/boyfriend etc..a lack of faith in general. This is something i struggle to overcome every day. I appreciate you sharing your candid story
Hey Sasha! Thanks for your comment and for visiting mcmiracle. You said, “Trying to control everything, to be right, is a lack of faith in God’s plan, your husband/boyfriend etc..a lack of faith in general.” So true. And impossible to have the faith required without the total intervention of the Holy Spirit. I love that simple but effective prayer, “Increase my faith, Lord.” Faith is only effective when the object of our faith is worthy and we both know that Jesus is good and sovereign and worthy of our trust. Lord, increase our faith!!!
Kate I so related to this post! I have been married to the love of my life and my best friend from high school for almost9 years. We spent many years apart but finally found each other about 10 years ago.
I wanted to know if I could post your blog on my blog as a guest blog. I have been looking through your blog and found some very insightful things! Of course I would link back to your blog and give you credit.
Jeannie
Hey Jeannie! Thanks for stopping by and for your encouraging comment. What a sweet story. Are you asking to post a specific post on your blog or to link my blog in your blogroll?
I love this blog post! What a beautiful story of the struggle a wife goes through to be a godly wife and the peace that can reigh when she does. Your honesty and ability to be real in sharing are such a gift.
I’m so thankful you enjoyed it. Thanks for visiting the blog! I hope you come back. You said it! It is certainly a struggle over our flesh, but such peace comes. Guess God knew what He was talking about when He commanded it for our good and our joy and His glory. Love Him!
“The on the Way to Church Fight | mcmiracle” genuinely causes myself ponder a little bit extra.
I adored every single element of it. Thanks a lot ,Nelly